Match

16:10

Right. I’ve removed myself from Otherhalf.com. Clearly casting my pearls before swine. OK, let’s give Meredith’s Match.com a go. Urgh. Start your love story. This doesn’t bode well. What kind of man is going to sign up to something with that tagline? Still. Small action steps. I am a woman seeking a man aged… OK, let’s be realistic about this. 43 to 53. That’s a good broad sweep, and I’m not dismissing the 50-plus-year-olds out of hand. I was born on … 03/03/1968.

Oh my God. We’ve now clicked through to a nine-page profile to be completed. I’m already losing the will.  No. Keep going.

You are: ready for a new relationship.

Your marital status: divorced.

You live: with kids. Kid! I live with kid, not kids. No option for that though.

Your personality. Sociable, adventurous, enthusiastic…  I’m busy clicking away, yes, yes, yes to everything, and it only lets me choose one! How ridiculous! Well, I’ll go for adventurous. Better than sensitive or stubborn.

Your eyes: grey

Your height: 5’7”

Your hair colour: hmmm. No ‘mouse’ option. What can I get away with? Dark blonde? Once I’ve done my home highlights, I might even be light blonde!

I’m ploughing on, but really, this is designed to show people like me up. Clearly I’m a well educated woman, as far as it goes. But I have to tick high school or the ignominious school of life. Or lie. Yes, lie: graduate degree.

For goodness’ sake. What languages do I speak? English! Which isn’t even an option. Plus ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ in about 20 languages. That’s probably what it means.  I start clicking away, but they only allow two choices. Honestly. It’s so limiting. So prescriptive. You are allowed a masters, but only one personality trait and two languages. OK, tick French and … who wrote this thing? Indian? Chinese? Well, tick Chinese.

Your occupation: I’d rather not say. Good option. Sounds as if I’m something intriguing and mysterious like a spy. Or a bunny girl.

Your income: the options start on less than £25,000 and go up to £100,001 to £150,000. Blimey. Well I’ll click £35,001 to £50,000. Don’t want to seem like a hopeless case or a golddigger.

Your style: click bohemian, sophisticated, cool… Damn! Only one option again. I’ll stick with sophisticated, otherwise I’ll end up with a load of hippies.

Sports you enjoy: Argh! Just when I need the cover of one option only, I’m allowed multiple choices, thus showing up my deficiency in the sporting arena. Oh well, let’s tick some adventurous-sounding things. Things that require money and sunshine. As Auntie Pam used to say, don’t go after money, just mix where money is. Rock climbing, motor racing, surfing, windsurfing, sailing, horseback riding, swimming. Oh and I’ll tick cricket too. I can see myself doing cricket teas on the lawn. 

16:55

Just had to stop for a coffee. This is exhausting. Right: your interests. Hallelujah! We’re allowed multiple interests! Oh yes. I’m motoring. Dining out, travel/sightseeing, cooking, the outdoors, movies/videos (how old is this site?),theatre, museums/exhibits, music, singing/playing instrument, camping… hmmm, better tick cars if I’m going to pull a man with a Lamborghini. On the other hand, maybe I’ll pull a grubby old mechanic. No. Untick cars. Drawing, photography, the arts. The arts. Hmmm. It’s stopped ticking. Maybe I have too many interests. I’ve been outed! Not a porridge-brained stayathome but a woman bursting with interests! OK, untick drawing, camping, although I quite like a man who can put up a tent. Tick wine tasting.

Favourite local hot spots or travel destinations. Ooh! I can fill in my own! Here goes. 

17:15

Had to get the atlas out. Have done exhaustive list of places I’d like to be taken on holiday by my £100,001 to £150,000 earner. Now, favourite book. I’ve gone blank. Favourite book. Favourite book... Bridget Jones’s Diary? Hmmm. Should go for something more highbrow. I know, Don’t Tell Alfred. One of Nancy Mitford’s more obscure works.

Oh God. I’m really losing the will. The kind of films you prefer. Musicals! Except no men like musicals. Except men born pre-war and queens. Not even Gitface liked musicals. Untick. Please don’t tell me I have to tick sci-fi and westerns, though? I settle for drama, comedy, and war. That’ll clinch it.

Three things you can’t live without: Cocktails. My eyes. My ears. Very existentialist. That’ll pull the intellectuals and sophisticates.

Oh God! Now I have to write an essay about myself. This is excruciating. Save and continue. I’ll come back to it.